Things I Hate About Soccer

I love soccer. I love playing soccer and I love following soccer. I've played soccer many more years in my life than I have have not.
That said, as I, like many of you I'm sure, was watching the MLS Cup game on Sunday, I was struck suddenly with several things I despise about the sport I love to play.

1. Flopping
The Academy of Motion Pictures really should consider adding, "Best Acting As Though My Leg Has Been Severed With A Butter Knife Soccer Injury" as a category. Grown men. Seemingly intelligent men recoiling in pain after being challenged for a ball. Carrying on and on, rolling on the ground, milking it for way more than it's worth. The only time this becomes amusing is when the replays show that the hapless 'victim of senseless soccer violence' wasn't even touched. If these people were injured just half as bad as they pretend to be, mothers all over the world would ban their children from playing soccer. It would be the world's second most dangerous sport behind the luge (those people are insane)

2. Women
This is going to sound sexist, but I promise I have no disrespect for the female gender and freely admit that when it comes to sideline reporting of a sporting event, women and men are equals.
Here's my beef. In a sport where there is complete segregation AND complete competitive equality, why do we need to have a woman prowling the sidelines feeding us information over the airwaves. Women have professional soccer leagues all over the world (including the US). Women have their own World Cup. They compete at the Olympics. It is perhaps the one 'major' sport where women have comparable opportunities as men do.
SO, Brandi Chastain, I loved you for beating China in '99 and setting the women's movement back 10 years by ripping off your shirt after your winning penalty kick, but leave men's soccer alone. Tab Ramos, Alexi Lalas, anyone who is American, male and a retired soccer player should be doing your job as sideline reporter for the MLS Cup.
I don't feel this way about baseball, football, basketball, hockey...but soccer, golf...sports where there is, maybe not equality, but at least significant opportunity, let's keep it separate. **Again, let me emphasize that I respect women and the irreplaceable role they play in society...some of the most influential people in my life have been women**

3. The Wall
When a team lines up for a free kick near the opposing goal, the defense often forms a human wall, 10 feet away by rule, making it more difficult for the shooter to score. Good strategy, but if you've ever watched a wide angle shot of this taking place, you'll notice that the wall is anything but stationary. No, it is quite mobile, often creeping 2 or 3 feet closer to the ball by the time the kicker makes his strike. This is ridiculous. It's like the defense in football being allowed to creep over the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped. Enforce the rules. Soccer does have one of the lowest, maybe THE lowest, player to official ratio in any major sport(3 officials for 22 players)...But c'mon. Draw a chalk line or something...it's crazy...just like

3a. Free Throws
When a ball is kicked out of bounds by a player on team A, a player on team B takes the ball and throws it in at the place it was kicked out. That's how the rule is written. In reality it reads this way...When a ball is kicked out of bounds by a player on team A, a player on team B takes the ball and throws it in after feigning a throw or two and scooting at least 10 yards closer to the opposing goal. It's just insane. Again, this would be akin to a golfer fetching a ball out of bounds and walking 10-20 yards closer to the hole before dropping or a pitcher in baseball taking two big steps toward the plate before throwing a pitch.

Well, I think that covers it for now...for the record, I'm really looking forward to next year's World Cup